I’m back after an extended blog holiday. Things have been relentless busy and I’ve been pretty knackered. Probably due to the fact that I am 16 weeks pregnant with baby number two!
Who knew time would go so quickly second time around?! I cannot explain how exhausted I felt for the first trimester this time around. It’s been really hard work. First time around I usually fell asleep on the couch when I got in from work. I slept in at the weekends and generally had a lot of time for lounging and snoozing. Not so this time! It’s all go with a toddler AND working. Weekends of course are busy and an early night is frequently planned but rarely carried out. But I am now feeling so much better; the difference in the second trimester is tangible.
I didn’t particularly enjoy being pregnant the first time around. I felt uncomfortable and large and all that. But your body has a funny way of making you forget all that and before you know it you’re thinking about baby number two and how lovely it would be to be pregnant again. And in fact this time around I am enjoying it much more, so far anyway. It’s true that you start to show a lot quicker this time. Although my belly is only 50% baby, the other half is gluttony. So much for my promises not to eat everything around me second time around. It’s not all consuming this time around either – no asking in restaurants if the mayonnaise is home made, no boiling eggs to bullet consistency, no constant googling of pregnancy related material.
I have felt an almost permanent sense of guilt though. The toddler has no idea what is coming and our bond is so close that I feel like I am betraying her somehow. To her she is the centre of our universe and in reality she is probably right. How can she cope with another baby to contend with? How can I explain it to her? And how can I love another baby as much as I love her? I now feel sorry for both of them; there is no way the newbie is going to receive half the service the toddler has gotten. And standards the toddler has become accustomed to will surely drop. I have to remind myself that in time she’ll be glad she has a sibling, I can’t imagine my life without my brothers. Although looking around me I can see it could take quite a long time for her to appreciate the new addition.
There are so many positives to the second baby too though; I don’t have that sense of anxiety that everything is about to change this time around. I don’t worry about whether I am making the right decision. I don’t panic about the loss of my social life, I lost that ages ago. I don’t’ worry about all the stuff we need. I don’t have any illusions about getting really fit during my maternity leave.
I now also know that everything is temporary, every stage lasts a matter of weeks, although it may feel like months at the time. I know that they will sleep eventually, as will I. I know they will eat vegetables eventually, although they may have to be invisible to the naked eye. I know that one day they’ll crawl, shortly after they’ll walk and talk and all too soon they’ll be walking away from me and making their own way. And I know that you have to relish every moment you can, even the bad ones.
I’ve learned that there are so many people in the world who would give up everything for one more cuddle with their child. There are people in the world who have waited their whole life to hold a baby that never came. And now when my baby wakes in the middle of the night and calls for me I sit and I hold her for as long as it takes, I’ve learned that being able to do that is a privilege. And I know that when the newbie arrives I’ll do the same; and I’ll find a way to hold them both.